My parents used to have a car that talked. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It would give a heads up when important things were about to go wrong with the car like if the engine was going to explode. It was both reassuring and technologically up to date.
Then there was the reality. An annoying disembodied voice droning on endlessly about not having enough windshield wiper fluid. Reminding you that you had, yet again, not lived up to someone’s expectations- namely your car’s.
No one minded when it broke. I think, in fact, my stepmother did a dance of joy.
I am not a fan of complicated mechanical things. If my car talked back to me I would probably murder it. (Would that be vehicular autocide?) And, I don’t want a computerized sewing machine. My experience has been that there is just that much more that can go wrong.
I can imagine what my sewing machine would say it did talk, though.
I’m not happy.
Excuse me? You’re what?
I’m not happy.
What? You don’t need to be happy. I need you to work now, OK? Just sew this seam.
I can’t. I’m depressed.
Do you need oil?
Oil? Oil is always good. There’s no such thing as too much oil.
Oh yes there is. When you leave greasy spots all over my fabric that’s too much. Did you realize this is $30 a yard silk?
Sigh. It’s just that I do the same things over and over again. There’s no variety. I need some excitement.
Is that why you’re stuck on zigzag? Is that why It’s so hard to wind a bobbin all of a sudden? You could loosen up a little.
All you ever want from me is a basic straight stitch. How about if you use the little embroidered ducks in row stitch? Or maybe the one that looks like pyramids strung together? That would be fun and different.
Oh, come on, last week we made buttonholes.
They make all my parts shake and rattle. That’s not different, it’s abusive. I feel violated.
Really? I bought you specifically because you would make buttonholes and now you tell me you hate doing them?
Is that what all this stalling and thread tangling is about?
I wanted to be loved for my even stitches and my other great features- elastic stitch, embroidery, roll hemming. I have so many flavors to offer and all you ever want is vanilla.
Please, do you have to tangle up the bobbin thread? I’m sure I threaded everything correctly.
So you say. I think it’s the needle. You could put in a new one once in a while.
I know what you’re up to when you’re not here- you are off with that industrial in the costume shop. The fast floozy. I’ll bet you’re eying one of those fancy sergers that sews and overlocks at the same time too.
Can we just get through this project? You can have all the oil you want afterward and there’s no buttonholes in this dress, I promise. Just let me go back to straight stitch now. Please.
Do I have a choice?